the love i wish you had for me

it's like a treasure
sought after and built up, like the birthday to come,
that is lost forever, or never was
meant to be found.
and you like to hold hands when i walk behind you
looking down at my feet trying hard
not to cry in front of(or behind)you.

sur, sous, dans, en face
nothing matters when it has nothing to do with you.

silly billy nilly
don't close your eyes when you're trying to walk in a straight line.
i told you to take it slow
to just let it be, and roll the window down so your hair can blow.
but you won't sit and smoke a clove
in double rings like he does.
twice a day
furthering your decay
like he does.
my rotting body lays on the sotting cold kitchen floor,
with the fruit that spilled
all over the sotting kitchen floor.
my mind is too old now, to keep up these foolish acts.
you can take my hand all you want
and i'll ask for it back.
don't put your foot down, and don't walk away.
hear me screaming out for him to save me some day.

i can ask you this because you don't know either. and i find it comforting.

some days
i would just like to talk to you.
all day long, that would be alright with me.
and if you sat down next to me,
or across, away,near,beside,
that would be alright.
when we talk about the end of the world,
you seem so at ease with it,
like it's just an idea, and not an event or any feeling
unlike the weight of my heart which burdens me
even more when i think about the end.
when it's all over, will i still have you?
and these eggs that we made, and the memory of your hair
blowing in the wind as we drove in a circle?
will the picture i drew of a whale
be lost and burned to ashes for no one else to tell?
for you to forget that i named him sparky
after your dog, that you predicted to weigh a ton and a half.
we never talked about men that are monsters.
nor the day i would die if you died first,
because i would. i could not live without my first.
so, when you need a day to sit,
send me a letter in the mail and i will coming running
to sit and question the world with your hand in mine, or for nothing at all.

a russian love letter.

when you keep the car running
and make me scream when my head has become to heavy to hold
i wonder what object you see when you look at me.
love has enabled me
and broken my wrist, undoubtedly my spirit, too,
stopped me from reverberating an unrequitted love for you.
l o v e i s a d o v e & y o u b r o k e i t s w i n g s .
you closed up my heart and turned a deaf ear to its song.
a long day is nothing compared to the seventeenth,
and you can't take it back.
tommy fell in love, and scathed into the sunset;
didn't turn to wave goodbye,
and forgot me the moment his hunger gave in
to a bowl of unsweetened cheerios.
and with his red headband,
he read my letter and let it fall to the ground.
it blew in the wind behind him and he spoke russian the rest of the way home.

cher.

cher, je t'aime. et je sais que tu ne m'aimes pas, et c'est bon. je ne pense pas que tu comprends. tu ne comprends rien. peut-etre un jour, mais je ne le crois pas. je souhaite. ohh lala, je souhaite avec tout de m'ame que tu comprendras un jour que je t'aime et que je t'avais donne la monde. si je peux. si je peux, je t'aimerai avec tout mon coeur et te dit que ta main va en forme avec ma main.

i could call you baby.

meet tommy.
he just popped in to say hello,
and wave goodbye
so to torment my soul.
but he always only has good intentions
with his curly mess of a hair:do/dont
i always liked it when he would tell me
the answers to guide my pencil point.
but this didn't have to be
and i understand it was my unravelling
but to assume that my teeth have been rotting this entire time
baby, is, on your part, extrapolating.
and not in a good way.

so, to try and make sense:
i love you,
with all my body, heart, soul, mind, breath, thought,
with all my being. in this world.
i run.
et je pense
je pense que je t'aimerai jusqu'a le monde mort.
but i don't want to seem crazy
shhh, shhh. crazy isn't allowed in front of tommy.
not when he's only passing by,
winking, then running into the sunset.
sleep well, tommy.














this is shittttttttttt.

my darling lullaby

'you're not the one who falls apart.'
yes, i am the brick wall
with the stone face
and probably the most pain of all
of the walls combined.

do you know that
this has broken me down, body and soul
did you know
i'm taking this quite hard

three-one-nine-four-double0-six
rest your head now,
lay down on my chest.
i will take care of you
and stand by your lonely side
hold your hands in the dark,
and sing you a lullaby.

hush now, my darling
it will all be okay
i'm with you now and forever
together we will float away
above the trees and mountains
gliding through the clouds of white
we may stop here now
and rest in the blueness of the sky
hmmmm, my darling
hush, my darling
i'm here next to you, forever and through the night
hmmmm, my darling
lay your head upon my breast, so to sleep well tonight
hmmmm, my darling
hush, my darling