You were supposed to be here.

7/4/16, 1:42am

You never knew anything that happened. I know you hated being compared, but the reality is that that is it all I had to compare you to. In hindsight, you are incomparable. You are good. You are kind. I understand that you feel like you have to prove yourself, but not to me. I wish I had told you more, because then I think you may have understood. Maybe not, but at least we would have had the chance. Here is my explanation:

I was broken. I was so used to someone lying to me that I couldn't accept the truth. I know that was hard and frustrating, but I just couldn't let it go while I was with you. I can't think of anything else to say other than I miss your laughter. I miss your spirit and your kindness. I miss the way you think and I miss laying next to you on Sundays when you did your crossword puzzles. I miss your mind. I miss your charitableness. I wish I had met your family. I was too nervous and anxious and young to ever do so. I'm sure they're incredibly kind, just as you describe them.

I will change. I have changed. If there is ever a part of you that wants to try again, please allow me to make it up to you. I am not so young and naive as I was last time. I am not so dumb and selfish. I have seen you, unrelated to me, and I know that you are good.

Please tell me if you read this. I'm sorry I am too cowardly to say this aloud.

I love you.

I wanna be with you everywhere.

Options

We were walking, holding hands
With our bare feet in the sand
And the seagulls overhead
When I broke the spell and said,
"I could never divorce you without a good reason
And though I may never have to
It's good to have options.
But for now, oh, I need you
But for now, oh, I need you
But for now, oh, I need you"

But it was only in my head
Because no one ever says
What they really mean to say
When there's so much at stake
So I told her I loved her, and she told me she loved me
And I mostly believe her, and she mostly believed me

Alive

If they saw us to share, it's cool
Something we need to carry on
But that is made up past the moon
Fit in the home for our love
Then you would do your thing, that's right
Promise at least I get in steady
All that I want is that you find,
Something that makes you start believing

I felt my love for you this time
Out of sight, I'm feeling so alive
You didn't feel anything at all
After all, makes me feeling small
I felt my love for you this time
Out of sight, I'm feeling so alive
You didn't feel anything at all
After all, makes me feeling small

Plenty of time we need to grow
Let's take the truth and slow it down
There's a lot of love we have to show
Maybe it's something faking out
Many times we were in trouble
I can't deny that I have made some
But in the end there's things to know
But I was stressed, rushing and breathing

I felt my love for you this time
Out of sight, I'm feeling so alive
You didn't feel anything at all
After all, makes me feeling small
I felt my love for you this time
Out of sight, I'm feeling so alive
You didn't feel anything at all
After all, makes me feeling small

I told a friend the other night of what happened that morning.

I drove over with a sweater and movie in hand to drop off on your doorstep, because you wouldn't see me for three days. I wish I had just left, but I turned the doorknob and it was open. I walked into your room, which was the immediate door on the right. You were in the shower and so I sat down on your bed to read your phone. It was texts to her, the one I had always compared myself to, and you knew it. I realized quickly that you would be out soon, so I took your phone and read the rest in my car. You said you loved her. You said you missed her. You said you loved her curly hair and that your lip was swollen from the other night. I couldn't breathe.

The walk back into your place is blacked out, but I do remember throwing the phone at you. I do remember you thinking it was your roommate barging in, and quickly realizing it was me. The next thing I remember is you holding me against the wall and clamping my mouth shut. I dug my nails into your side. I can't remember how we made it into the bedroom, but I remember you holding me down on the bed and telling me to be quiet. I told you I couldn't breathe. I can imagine my eyes were insane. You told me to get the fuck out and I said give me my things. You said no, but I tried anyways. More grabbing, more scratching. You said multiple times that you would call the cops, so I left crying. Crying is an understatement.

I sat in the rocking chair on my porch, where my friend came to comfort me. He picked up my things from your house later that day. It didn't matter, but at the time I thought it did.

I loved you so much. I can't believe you let it go on for as long as you did. Me, a fucking dog on your tight leash, that you didn't even want anything to do with. Such a goddamn pathetic shame. You are why I have had to rebuild, and I hate you for it. I know I am to blame, as well, and I know I can emerge. It's a sad thing, I know-- I still can't breathe.

I wear your clothes to bed.
I think of you in daily activities.
Forgive me, come back to me.

There were awful times.

I snuck in. The lights were always off and I had to tip-toe. I suppose he blamed the squeaky door on stepping out for a cigarette. I don't know if he ever had to explain the toilet flushing twice. His short fingernails. I was always the one with an agenda. Wake up, wake up. He threw the bottle out of my hand, told me I shouldn't end up like him. He said leave and I did. Obey. Submit, without an invitation to do so. Shaking hands. Clenched jaw. Stiff lip. Soft touch. I said, I will get you medicine. I will get you help. 

One time I pressed my ear against the door. I knew better. Another day, I walked right in. That time was the fight. I couldn't breathe and my eyes were wide. I dug my nails into his side. I stood opposite him asking for the gifts I gave. "I hate you so much." The brink.

Breathlessness. 

Darkness and light.

Pain and redemption. 

No time to crank the sun
To dry our hair before we go
No time to lay around
We'll come back someday

No time to change our minds
The pricks are always on our heals
No time to fight about it
This time we can't be late

I was driving, taking chances
Walking way too far out on broken branches
Sometimes where you're going is hard to see

Always knew there was something missing
Said no one could ever get me to sit and listen
I was always trying to leave
Baby get away from me
Get away from me

No time to plant our feet
These things, they always come from nowhere
No time to lay around
We'll come back someday

Nothing will ever just come to you
It's only what you find around and what you do
If you don't hold it tight
It'll leave

I kept seeing you all around me
Couldn't just stand here and wait
until you found you
I hate to take you, to make you believe
Baby get away from me
Get away from me
Get away from me

Heartache
Heartache
Heartache
Heartache

Get away from me
Get away from me

If I wasn't so gone tonight
I'd try to explain
People just know what they want
It doesn't change

If I wasn't so gone completely
This would feel like pain

Some people just know what they want