I can see myself slipping further into the ground.
I sink standing still, and if I take a step, it's like quicksand.

I'll be a bigger movie buff.
I'll run 17 miles a day.
I'll pitch my own tent.
I'll drive a stick shift.
I'll chill the eff out.
I'll learn every word to U2 songs.
I'll stop writing.
I'll stop being so crazy.
I'll be more sassy.
I'll make my hair curly, like her's.
I'll cut off my skin.
I'll puke until my guts fall out.
I'll be different.

Just give me a chance.

I wake up, as if from a nightmare.
What is happening?
What has happened to me?

Vultures.

You WOULD sit there and smirk,
you slimy, no good fuck.
Stick with a story, and just move forward.
It's not that hard; it's just that simple.
Are you seeing all of these wrinkles?
Not just on my face, on my soul,
you dark, bottomless blackest of black rat holes.

You engulfed me; mind, body and soul.
And somehow, you escaped without ever having to know!
But, Leo is right, I am not this low.
I am not as small as you made me.
I could've given you everything you'd ever dreamed to be.

I know this is the dumbest thing.
Spilling my guts into thin air that will float away unseen.
I gouged my ribs open for vultures to clean.
And they ate it up, everything.

The one thing I can say, though I know
I might certainly be certifiably insane,
is that at least I'm not the one feasting
from this ugly, nauseating scene.

Get ahold of yourself.
I can't wait to forget you.

Second Best

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGj3g6f72Rg

WHY DON'T YOU MISS ME

If you do something for the right reason, you will benefit in the end.

"And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know"

What have I become?

If this is what humanity is, I am not sure I want to be a part of it.

A human can commit such monstrosities against a fellow human being, and what is the difference between that person and me? We are all the same; essentially one giant bully, and his sins are my sins. I carry the weight of your wrong-doings, because I am a human, as well, and am capable of the exact same things. We are all that man slitting his wife's throat, the cheating liars, the thieves with no remorse. Because, if you take a step back and look at this place from a far, you can't tell a difference between my face and yours. My heart aches, but so does her's. I am no different than the beggar, and neither are you. He was capable of all of these disgusting things, but I am him, so, so am i.

If this is what humanity is, I am not sure I want to be a part of it.
I'm not into selfishness and cruelty.

What they think.

What a sad girl she must be to only write these invisible stutterings.
(She must think they mean anything!)

Automatic, numbing

Tonight is quiet.
I am sitting still, breathing.



In.



And out.



I do not feel the blood flowing through me.



I know that this is no means,
for there is no end to ever be seen.
I know that these letters do not mean anything.
Jumbled, put together; they are nothing.
This is obscene!
My hair is turning sea-weed green.
I am turning into something noticeably unclean.
No one can stop now the automatic, numbing machine.

"But, darling, death will have to pry my fingers loose."

When you don't have much, it is so easy and right to lean on God. It is when we over-indulge and collect these objects to create a worldly security net that we lose sight of what is essential.

Sometimes, I wake up and cannot fall back asleep.
The nightmares are too often and too mean.

You're a giant prick!









Notice it's you'RE, not YOUR.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Some do not add up to a human caliber;
and people are stupid.


I know this now.

Miracle

I met a boy, he wore a seatbelt
He kissed my cheek in the back seat
We played basketball his girl cousins
Played too in Germaine

I'll be your girl
I'll be your boy

But Victor he was my first man
He didn't have any money
So I paid for his movie
Viva lost childhood

Be my boy forever
And I'll be your girl
I'll be your boy

Tempt the werewolf not to run

And the heart is dumb and the heart is blind
But I think you'll find that the lord is kind
....



And tempt the werewolf not to run;
Tempt the werewolf not to run.

I have merely floated through these months.
Nay, crawled, is a better word.
I have only crawled through these torturous days, that feel like one never-ending, blurred together one.

In hindsight, I guess I was wrong.
But, it doesn't matter anyway, right?

THE WOMAN BLEEDING.

Hatred:

noun
the feeling of one who hates; intense dislike or extreme aversion or hostility

Synonyms: animosity, detestation, loathing, abomination.
Antonyms: attraction, love.


"There is absolutely no part of me that wants to be with you."

OUCH.

Oh god, I don't want to do this.

Only fools lift their feet.

When nothing makes anything better,
how do you keep going?
How do you drag yourself
through every horrible moment,
all the while wanting to just lay down and never get up.

untitled (because i don't care)

I never made friends easily.
Contrary to popular belief,
I really don't like being me
and all I ever wanted was
your love for me to last eternally.

I know this world is an ugly place;
there's not enough love to fill this giant space
between my heart and yours.
But you didn't have to make your grand escape
so sneakily. You could've just waved goodbye,
and sent me on my dreadful way.

I know it's a bigger removal that you are wanting.
I know my heart is three times smaller, and this place, daunting.
I never wanted to be your haunting,
never wanted to be just a part of your story.
I was never into selfish glory.


I'm either forgotten or omitted.

I'm sorry I'm too much to explain now;
too much to even mention about.

I am so small.
I know this.
You stepped over my bloody body,
and continued walking down the street.


It wasn't supposed to be this way.
These pages weren't meant to be left blank.

DEAR GOD,

Quiet my lips, awaken my soul.

It's time to lay 6 feet under.
Maybe you will see me again
when the light returns.

Everything 2009.

No more.

This is the time to retreat.
Days will remain black and white and
rain will be no different than sunshine.
But, in a year, things will be different.
One day, I will joyfully cry and look into your eyes
and tell you I will love you every step of the way.
I will love you beyond the time my heart is no more,
and the dust that I will become will still
radiate my beaming love for you.
You will be mine, and I will be yours,
forever, even after we are no more.
But for now, I must sleep.
And when I awake, I pray for a brighter day.

Subway is a porno

It's up to me now, turn on the bright lights.


You were there, hiding in my bed.
He bent down to kiss your forehead.
I saw and I cried,
and if you were me, you would have died.

In that moment, you took over,
though still submerged under the covers.
What could I do?
I wasn't, nor will ever be, you.

We all know how this ends,
with a heart so sick and blackened.
It's a sorry way of life, but
it's my own goddamned heart that's shut.
So FUCK off!


It's up to me now, turn on the bright lights.

Only fools

When do you know when it's the time?
When do I know when it's time to entertain the slow tick
of this fucking clock and smash it into the table?
When does this end? and,
When did this end already?
When were you going to tell me?
When you had made me even more crazy?

Only fools lift their feet;
weld yours into stone and you will be alright.
You will never have to worry about the sights above.
You will only stare at your grounded feet.

I think I will go crazy if I don't run;
in every sense of the word.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IStlBOX9F4o

You're the worst thing that ever happened to me.
I don't want you, but want me.
You bastard!,
you made me this godforsaken zombie.

Bastards always know. [with a hint of deep sarcasm]

Just so you know,
I would punch you in the face
if I wasn't a lady.
Ladies don't do that sort of thing.
Must keep up appearances--
though reputations have turned to nothing.

I lost,
because you lost sight of everything.
You lost yourself,
and I lost everything.



And oh,
you can continue to worry.
I'm sitting here, looking in my drawers
for the thing you almost took.
I keep my secrets from everyone,
keep them hidden underneath.
And you'll never know for certain
whether or not it's true.
Because, knowing you,
you've already made up your mind
and are through.

Well, whoop-di-doo.
You're past me and onto something new.
Enjoy the empty nothingness ahead of you.
Fuck me for believing it, and fuck you, too.

The knife just wasn't quite sharp enough.

Flowers for the ones you loved
Flowers for the lost at sea
Flowers for the ones you loved
Flowers for the lost at sea

-i wish i had written this

It all ends the same.

I don't understand everything,

but I do understand a closed door.

It's okay,

you don't have to pretend to fix this anymore.

You stay here, and I'll go there.

Goodbye, my heart;

painted black and splattered everywhere.

How to say everything I am thinking?
I don't. I don't know.
I don't know
anything.

Run until your legs fall off.
Sleep until, until.

Untitled

Oh god,

let me live.

This is me going crazy.

You haven't even begun to see how

this is my unraveling.

I don't do these types of things.

Let me live, let me be.

You never supported me.

Your hands, not once, pressed me

onward, towards my destiny.

Don't pretend you hear me speaking.

I'm screaming at the top of my lungs,

I'm screaming.

This massacre will never be seen.

It's too small to be noticed by

any human being.

No one could ever capture my suffering;

it's depth and multitude,

multiplying.

You were the death of me.

I have always been crazy

but you let me see

what I was not.

And that was everything I have ever wished to be.

whiteness.

I wore this white dress for you.

I thought you might say that I looked pretty;

maybe you thought it.

I tried to make my eyes dazzle and my teeth

white to match.

It's the small things that make everything better, right?

When we sat down at that tiny round table,

I didn't mean to keep quiet.

I felt the eye beams of every person in that room

shooting at me.

That's what made me knock my glass over.

I didn't mean to spill the water onto the floor;

it was an accident, you see?

And while I was bustling to clear the mess,

blood appeared on that white dress,

and my hands started quivering.

I didn't mean to cut my hand;

it just happened.

I didn't mean to ruin everything.

These splotches weren't supposed to make such a scene.

I never wanted any of this, anything.

Maybe white isn't so great, after all.

Vesuvius

Vesuvius
I am here
You are all I have
Fire of fire
I'm insecure
For it is all
Been made to plan
Though I know
I will fail
I cannot
Be made to laugh
For in life
As in death
I'd rather be burned
Than be living in debt

Vesuvius
Are you a ghost
Or the symbols of light
Or a fantasy host?
In your breast
I carry the form
The heart of the Earth
And the weapons of warmth

Vesuvius
The tragic oath
For you have destroyed
With the elegant smoke
Oracle, I've fallen at last
But they were the feast
Of a permanent blast

Vesuvius
Oh, be kind
It hasn't occurred
No it hasn't been said
Sufjan, follow the path
It leads to an article of imminent death
Sufjan, follow your heart
Follow the flame
Or fall on the floor
Sufjan, the panic inside
The murdering ghost
That you cannot ignore

Vesuvius
Fire of fire
Follow me now
As I favor the host

Vesuvius
Fire of fire
Follow me now
As I favor the ghost

Vesuvius
Fire of fire
Follow me now
As I favor the host

Vesuvius
Fire of fire
Follow me now
As I favor the ghost

Vesuvius
Fire of fire
Follow me now
As I favor your host

Vesuvius
Fire of fire
Follow me now
As I favor the ghost

Vesuvius
Fire of fire
Follow me now
As I favor the ghost

Follow me now
Or follow down

Why does it have to be so hard?
Follow me now
Or follow me down

Why does it have to be so hard?
Follow me now
Or follow me down

Why does it have to be so hard?

Every dark corner.

It's a long, long life,

and today-- the longest day.

The sun drags in the sky and shines in

every dark corner.

I think of dying often;

how and when.

Every time I get behind the wheel

I hyperventilate, thinking:

"Oh god, oh god--

this is it."

I passed an automobile ablaze,

in between two trees,, on the side of the road;

and all I could do was stare from stunned eyes.

In that stilled breath, I passed a life, a body, that had passed only

moments before.

Instead of playing in sandboxes, I saw dead people.

Coffins were like full moons to me.

But this is a beer.

And that is a bed.

So take your pick.

It's important to understand that

I will never amount to anything. People

will not know my name, and I must

accept the common life that

I've made for myself to sleep in.

But my Heart is returned to Sister Winter

It's called a disappearing act.

This Is Not My Own

"Every now and then,
I feel the weight of the world
pressing at my shoulders.
Slumping my back.
Cracking my heels.
And I turn,
to you,
full of hope
only to find
you walking away
briskly on your way.
Your back forever
branded into my eye.

Its true.
These paths wind
and intertwine as
the years pass.
But the burdens of each man
are meant to be carried alone.

And no amount of intersection
can change that."

Everybody notices it when the sun shines.

Everybody notices it when the sun shines.

The light can't hide its whorish need to be seen.

What a selfish, unfixable design.

Unable to be washed clean.

In the end, all you have are the people that stick by you, even after everything.

I could punch people in the face if I had gold hands;

probably better that I don't.

Oh you thoughtless wretch,

keep running your whole life away.

You won't be missed by one.

Oh man,

did anyone see what I just saw?

That girl has gold hands.

"Oh she has everything.

What more could anyone ask for,

more than gold hands?"

But she can't feel a thing!

Didn't want to be your ghost,

didn't want to be anyone's ghost.

Don't worry, we'll all float on

Even if things get heavy, we'll all float on

I feel like everyone should forget about me, someday.

circles.

Draw a circle on the ground,

and that is life;

we are only the specs of dust walking its fine line.

Draw another circle on the ground,

and that is your life;

interwoven at times, slicing in and out of/up mine.

We are created and washed away.

We are created and washed away.

Proverbs 17:9
Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=szbB-vLVnoQ

It's the first day of spring
And my life is starting over again
The trees grow, the river flows
And its water will wash away my sins
For I do believe that everyone has one chance
To fuck up their lives
But like a cut down tree, I will rise again
And I'll be bigger and stronger than ever before

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

There's a hope in every new seed
And every flower that grows upon the earth
And though I love you, and you know that
Well I no longer know what that's worth
But I'll come back to you in a year or so
And I'll rebuild, be ready to become
Oh the person, you believed in
Oh the person, that you used to love

For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back
For I'm still here hoping that one day you may come back

I burned the macaroni and cheese I was making for dinner; I took it as a sign I wasn't supposed to eat.


I'm very much into signs these days.

It's just nothing, nothing at all.

Winter still.

It's raining outside now.
The wind made it cold today;
my red jacket wasn't enough to cover me.
I wonder if the sun will shine again.
I never did put sheets on my bed;
the pillows are still bare white.
When the morning comes,
I will leave the brown satin cloth-of-a-curtain closed,
and wait until Spring.

My brown hands

I wish my hands were brown.
That way, you couldn't see the things
they did in the night--
their creations sculpted and molded by me,
anonymously.
But when I wanted you to notice,
the turquoise decorations would catch your eye
and you would hold your stare
for a few good seconds,
then go on with your thoughts of glee.

If they were brown,
you wouldn't take a second glance.
The double-take would be a mistake,
and you would look back to see nothing.
Instead of confusion, it would be more of
an optical illusion.
You may think you saw a glimmer,
but, trust me, the shimmer was just my brown skin.

Kingdom Come

I wish I could write something to do you both justice. One day.'


Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.

It's that I see his nose on your face,
and your gentle spirit didn't come from thin air.
It's been passed on,
and will pass on until the end of time.

I never took the time to thank you.
It's so strange to be stuck in the history of a moment,
and I can't tell if I should seek to break from it.
Do I break from this?
Have I already broken?
Come back;
I don't want those short-lived memories.
Breathe beside me
and teach me everything.
Please don't leave; teach me everything.


But--
like I said,
everything ends,
so why are we sad when it does?


Fuck that.
Come back.

untitled

It's not the growing old part-
actually it is--
but more it's everything that comes (and goes)
with it.
No, I don't want to grow up.

Tell Me When You Read This

So small again,
such a tiny spec.
Jumping off this bridge
for the summoner with sins to collect.
Crashing, smashing
these ornaments of time
and empty spacious places
of mine.

nothing new.

it's so hard not to stumble into this black hole
when you're walking on a never-ending tight rope.

brick walls.

i'm climbing this brick wall and as i grab each new block, higher than the last, my fingertips peel off more and more. the remnants of skin mark my path towards the top. it's funny though because the closer i get to the top the less i feel the pain in my hands. i feel exhilarated scaling this wall, like a spider, my eight legs each in the right spot at the right time. but then i slip a bit, stutter and slide just a little bit, and recognize the blood running down my arms. i focus my eyes upwards, keeping the water and my insides from spilling out. but then i stop. i let go of my destiny and free fall until all that surrounds me is black.

let's be pretty.

let's be pretty.
stand there and don't look silly.
silly in a bad way isn't funny anymore.

you look nice in your pink dress.
i could never be noticed like that unless-
unless, well there really aren't any exceptions.

i drank what you're looking for,
at the end of the bed on my sleeping mother's floor.
now you can stop wondering.

maybe i wonder too much
or maybe i hold onto little things with such
a tight grasp, that they suffocate and die.

when john cried as his love moved away
everything changed after that sorry day.
john fell stories to find the truth.

and the truth killed him.

dirty reflections.

you FOOL!
look, all along you were pointing the finger:
'it's them. it's them that need to stop wearing bows in their hair and reading pop-up picture books!'
you stuck your nose up when you saw them playing in sandboxes,
but you were the one drowning in tiny particles.

everything you thought was so silly
smacked you in the face with a cold hand.
the mirror on your wall is clouded and ugly,
and points right back at you.
nose down, chin up.
act like a grown up.