Trying something different for once,
I'm going to try to describe the warmth
I felt on this cold winter day.
I watched the sun melt the snow,
and though when I awoke, I did not know
what this day held, it was nice.
As today comes to an end, I can say that it was good.

Fruit

It's an ache
which comes from deeper than within my heart.
It roots itself in my being
and grows outward, through my
tongue and fingertips;
reaching to grab hold of your throat
and transfer the pain.
And then all at once, I realize:
it's the absence of you.
When you left, you planted these seeds of dull within me,
and time watered them.
Darkness needs no light
as it grows and takes over.
It's like sitting at a table with empty chairs--
fruitfulness spilling from my limbs onto plates,
but none who still exist that want to partake
in the picking of my putrid fruit.
Were these seeds always within me?
Tame these wild branches pushing through my mouth.
I don't want to hurt you.
I will sway on without you,
and you will sway on without me.

I wouldn't be like that anymore.

Here/now

So happy to be right where I am. Missing those that are no longer with me, but wishing them well, all the same.

All this whimsical bullshit is dumb.

I see things in a very different way now.
Their shapes have changed and most of them
grown smaller somehow.
Please do not punish me for my eyes,
I'm telling you the truth
even when you see them as lies.

Jesus christ girl

Jesus christ girl
What are people gonna think
When I show up to one of several funerals
I've attended for grandpa this week
With you
With me

Someone's gotta help me dig
Someone's gotta help me dig

Jesus christ girl
It hasn't been long so it seems
Since I was picking out an island and a tomb for you
At the Hollywood cemetery
We kiss
On me

We should let this dead guy sleep
We should let this dead guy sleep

Jesus christ girl
I laid up for hours in a daze
Retracing the expanse of your American back
With adderall and weed in my veins
You came
I think
Cause the marble made my cheeks look pink
But I'm unsure of so many things

Someone's gotta help me dig
Someone's gotta help me dig
Someone's gotta help me dig

I never could reach him

I never could reach him.
I was there, forever;
arms opened wide and fingers outstretched.
It was I who dangled there;
he, exalted and looking down.
And I continued to grasp at straws,
anything that would bring me closer.
But I never could reach him.
He wouldn't let me.
He climbed higher into space
as I slipped further into hell.
I never could reach him,
and he just watched me struggle and fall.

This is where I am,
and though I am not unhappy,
it is not where I want to be.
The cycle of life is beginning to take its toll on me.

So frustrated with the human race.

I'm just saying, if you find a catch, fucking hold on to it and don't let it out of your sight.

I'm not sure of anything at all and I'm beginning to believe
we all die alone in the end,
so stop all of this nonsense and just be.
Stop playing games, and if you aren't there,
then I'm going to believe you don't want to be there.
And that's sad,but
if we all die alone in the end,
then it doesn't matter, anyway.

Nothing.

I call bullshit.

On you and you and you.

Even though I lost it all, two chugs for happiness.

Sisyphus part 2

The sea- it calls to me;
whispers my name and longs for me.
But I fear the sea.
I never learned to swim, you see.
I cannot hold my head above the water,
and that is scary to me.
So I climb mountains to be free;
free from the waves pulling at my knees.
I climb upwards, pulling seaweed sea-chains behind me.
It's not easy, you see.
But, when I'm close to the clouds I feel totally free;
like everything is behind me.
But my hands never do reach the clouds,
and I always tumble back into the sea.
I splash and flounder in the sea that calls to me.

Sisyphus

And I tumbled right back down after it again.

Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen. Keep in the sunlight. -Benjamin Franklin

Off the grid.

The point doesn't make any sense.

Miss

How strange it is to know what it truly means to miss somebody. Their mind, their soul: missing to you.

Discipline.

Allows you to seem like you forgot all about it.

Sometimes things just happen.

The puppet master

You, the charming puppet master,
slow things down or make them go faster.
You make everyone else's decision
based upon your icy and glorious provision.
And every single one of your dolls
falls at your feet and roars in applause.
You bask in the light of the adorned attention
but scorn at the responsibility mentioned,
that comes along with being their god.
You say you never asked to feel like such a fraud.
Because, really, you are just a little boy,
skinning his knees and playing with toys.
And the thing that I have never understood
is why no one sneers when you tell Jesus to be good.

What are we fighting for

Itching to move forward and stay still all at the same time.

When I am old and look back on my life, if I haven't loved, then I haven't lived. That is what is important. I will not remember the grade I made on a test in college, but I will remember the people in my life along the way. If you don't love, what will you do?

Thinking back, I'm not sure when I started to accept myself. But damn, it feels so good. Everyone, love yourself. You are wonderful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=scctp8-xYX4

Oh my god I miss you right now.

Fog.

A gentle sadness has taken over me today like the fog did the hills this morning. I am my old self again-- now you have all the glory.

There's a place in the sun for all that you've done.

It's strange to think of long ago-- how we used to sleep pressed against one another, how I never thought twice about the feel of your warm skin on mine; and now I can't even fathom the exhilaration that would come from touching your hand.

From June 2, 1:09am is not how I feel anymore. Two months and a lot of talking make a difference. Happiness, yo.

From June 2, 1:09 am

Hey you,
with your crown of jewels
and your leather shoes
and your colorful tank tops that beg all for approval.
They don't fool me
because I can see right through the person you're trying to be;
straight through to the demons that scream beneath,
trying to tear through from underneath your scaly sheath of skin.
It was down here where you truly laid,
but this part of you hardly saw the light of day.
And unfortunately I could not stay,
because I was never any good with crosses.
They confused me a bit;
my mind never did quite seem well enough to fit
with all the rest of the bible hugging nit-wits;
I never could make the pieces match.
I'm sorry if a nit-wit is what you needed,
but you never asked for that, never pleaded.
And looking back you were so goddamn conceited,
and still are today.
I hope these bones are what you like.
I hope you think of me late at night.
I hope you die knowing nothing you did was right,
and knowing that I loved you anyway.
Your crown, your demons, your crosses;
I loved you anyway.

Karma Police

Karma police, arrest this man 
He talks in maths 
He buzzes like a fridge 
He's like a detuned radio 

Karma police, arrest this girl 
Her Hitler hairdo is 
Making me feel ill 
And we have crashed her party 

This is what you get 
This is what you get 
This is what you get when you mess with us 

Karma Police 
I've given all I can 
It's not enough 
I've given all I can 
But we're still on the payroll 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/r/radiohead/karma+police_20113292.html ] 
This is what you get 
This is what you get 
This is what you get when you mess with us 

And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself 
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself 

For for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself 
For for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself 
Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

I hope you are well.

rocky spine

My spine is a knotted rope,from which,
you could hang if you'd like,
that dangles for cats to scratch at
and catch and cling to.

And what if today,
I am supposed to jump off of a burning bridge.
What if my heart is supposed to skip a beat
and stop.
My fate is not up to you.
My fate, it's mine.
I am the only one who can interpret these signs.
It's my fate, all mine.

I'm going to miss sitting on that porch.

Don't do anything;
just come back to me.

Words for a tombstone:

It's so beautiful here.

And when the day arrives I'll become the sky and I'll become the sea and the sea will come to kiss me for I am going home. Nothing can stop me now.

-Trent Reznor

Among men and women, those in love do not always announce themselves with declarations and vows. But they are the ones who weep when you're gone. Who miss you every single night, especially when the sky is so deep and beautiful, and the ground so very cold.
-Alice Hoffman

A wind has blown the rain away and blown the sky away and all the leaves away, and the trees stand. I think, I too, have known autumn too long.
-E.E. Cummings

A screaming comes across the sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to now.
-Thomas Pynchon

A certain recluse, I know not who, once said that no bonds attached him to this life, and the only thing he would regret leaving was the sky.
-Kenko Yoshida

Wherever I am, I need to remember to enjoy myself.

When You Died

It was as if we were floating;
jumping from tree to tree,
our heads brushing the clouds delicately,
when suddenly
a twig snapped.
The branch broke
and all of our other senses awoke,
but they weren't enough to keep us from falling.
You went down first,
and I couldn't think of anything worse,
but then I felt the scrapes and bruises from the passing trees.
My grasps and fumblings were not helping anything.
The clouds, so innocent, died from view,
overcome by visions of a deathly hue,
and that is the moment I knew
that when you died,
I would hit the bottom and die, too.

"Atticus said that Jem was trying hard to forget something, but what he was really doing was storing it away for a while, until enough time passed. Then he would be able to think about it and sort things out. When he was able to think about it, Jem would be himself again."
-To Kill A Mockingbird

I chose to feel it and you couldn't choose.

Excerpts from the past

October 19, 2011 1:31 PM

"Relationships are not enough to make you happy. They can't cure or fix every ailment and sad thing that happens in life. 

I believe that believing in God and figuring out how to reflect his love and how to change the way things happen is the way to be fulfilled. But I haven't been able to figure that out yet. I dunno where I'm supposed to be or more importantly who I need to be. And I cannot be with anyone while that still is being worked on. 

You have to believe in something that will never falter.

My dad always told me that if you aren't willing to give up everything completely and accept that you only have the things you love because of the goodness of God, then you cannot be truly happy and at peace. And will probably lose the things you love.

Think deep and hard about what really matters.

My personality is that I'm never content with what I have or where I am at. And that's harmful. It keeps me from being happy. It destroys my relationships.

Hear what I am saying."

I think I'm beginning to like myself again.

"If you want to get over a problem, stop talking about it. Your mind affects your mouth, and your mouth affects your mind."

I'm not sure how much I agree with this, but I know I agree at least a little. Onward.

I dreamed that everyone hated me.

Get me out of here.

Long hair.

My hair is growing long again.
How so long it's been
since we were ever friends.
When I cut it short,
I was cutting you out.
My hair, that is, stuffed it down your mouth.
I can't help but laugh
at the fool you're making of yourself.
I suppose I shouldn't take pleasure
in such a scene of disaster,
but I can't help it.
I tried to help;
tried to help for a long, long time.
It wasn't your heart, but mine
that unraveled like limp twine.
I saw your heart of stone;
saw it when your hands wrapped around my throat.
Your hands, so deathly cold.
My hands are warm now.
And I'm not exactly sure how
this happened or that, but it did
and it was more than I should have ever allowed.
Now, I will be dancing more days than none,
and if you ever think of all you've done,
know that I am nobody, and nobody won.

Release what you cannot control.

Hold dear what you can, but not too tight.

Love is bigger than hate.

Know when to just say goodnight and end the day.

You're a ghost.

You don't exist.

You're a ghost.

You don't exist.

Though you are feeling weaker, you are becoming stronger.

Gag-a-fucking-maggot and choke me with a spoon until I keel over and die.

What was will never be again.

Written to a Friend,

I am writing you in a time of surrender. I go up and down and know I cannot operate this way. I cannot do anything on my own. Change must occur, and I feel the need to surrender myself to something greater, something much more knowledgeable and foreseeing than I. I do not know what the future holds, only what the past has brought me. I feel as though I am chasing the wind, running after a whirling picture of what used to be, what could have been. And this picture is fleeting. It does not stay, it does not last; it dissolves in my desperate, reaching hands. This is no way to lead a life: following a ghost into the darkness.

It is this darkness that I toy with. I slide my toes over the line, away from the sun and into the gray area. The darkness pulls at me, and I so often want to let it envelop me in its mighty grasp and have its way with me. But, there are moments when I can see the light so clearly. Moments of simple clarity reach me, and these are the only things holding me back from submersing myself into the mouth of the darkness. It is something beyond myself that reaches me, shakes me and allows me to see how everything is and was and is to be. And in these moments of peace, I am okay. I wish these moments could last forever, but they, too, vanish and, alas, I am back to walking the fine line between darkness and light. It is a cycle. I know something needs to break this cycle, and that something is more than likely myself.

So in this moment, I feel the need to surrender. To get down on my knees and shout and cry and wail that I am not okay and that I need more than myself. I need more than fleeting memories and wishful thinking. There must be a solid ground to stand upon, for if there isn't, the human race could not have lasted as long as it has. There MUST be something to sit down and rest your weary soul upon, something to catch you and let you rest and lift you back up. Hands were made to lift and grasp and pull and hold, and we all have hands, so why not use them to help others in this way.

I feel as though I am down. I am in a creek, face down amongst the trickling water and slippery black rocks. Soaking wet, this has to be it. There is no other place to go from here except up. Maybe instead of waiting for hands to lift me, I must push myself up. I am not sure which to believe. I pray this clarity lasts. I pray, whatever prayer is, that I will not find a deeper pit to throw myself into. I clench my heart and tear it out and lift it up and pray that it is able to be healed and once again beat in my heaving chest.

There's no sense in tears anymore. The past is the teasing wind, and the future is everything.

Keep in the sunlight.

I don't know how to stop myself.

A day to be forgotten.

What a strange realization. Two years could've been, but never ever really were. What a stupid female I've been. Sticking play dolls with needle pins.

It doesn't do to dwell on the past. That's why mums the word.

Today should be forgotten.

You know what it is that makes you feel his way. So grow up and learn to stop it. Take control, at least. You know what to do. Calm down. Just hide out in the background and eventually things will fall into place. They don't have to, but god I hope they do.

It was spot on.

I understand if I never see you again.

Maybe positive is just what I need.

Maybe it will balance out my natural gravitation towards the dark side.

Or maybe it (whatever it is) will self-implode.

Where is the line between grace and justice?

Between forgiveness and stupidity?

Between love and hate?

What a silly dream it was.

Act happy; it can't hurt.

Heart Skipped a Beat

The XX.

Display more control over your thoughts, emotions, and actions.
(for everyone's sake)

It isn't my place
to keep you in such a place
of disgust and disgrace.
Who am I?
I am nothing of it,
I am nothing at all.
And I will apologize until the day your savior calls,
and I disappear.

Take a deep breath;
your over reaction isn't flattering.
No one else notices, and it's time you don't either.

Sloppy.

Sometimes it's so tempting.
Calm down, no body likes a crazy, not even you.

I dreamed I was dancing.

Mosters vs. fools

I can't operate when there is hatred in my life.
Maybe that makes me a fool, but I'd rather forgive
than obsess over feelings only monsters cling to.
I'd much rather be a fool than a monster.
Fools may lift their feet, but monsters kill under their heavy stomps.

It's just like,


yeah that happened. But, so did so many other things!
And it's OKAY!!




Years from now it will matter in the way that it shaped me or you,
but it will not be the defining moment, because
we haven't LIVED yet!



Forgive.
Think big picture.
Seek peace within yourself, and all the things that don't make sense will somehow seem okay.

Ciara is not sleeping.




Whoever you are, tell me that you read this.

Sight

I am not here to say, 'I am right, and you are wrong.' I am only saying that this is the way I see it, but I'd very much like to know what's in your line of vision.

1/17/12

"I feel consumed with darkness. I used to feel a small light inside of me, and wanted to be a better person. Now I just feel the ugliness of the world and don't want to belong to it some days. A loss, a rejection like this is hard to accept."


What a difference a month makes.

You must remind yourself daily of who you are and who you want to be, and go forward from there.

Pale Horses

Look at all the places
where all my family died.

After the Storm

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come.
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day.
You must know life to see decay,
but I won't rot, I won't rot.
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand,
and we stood tall,
and remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
with grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew.
I saw exactly what was true.
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
that's why I hold with all I have.
That why I hold.

And I will die alone,
and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full,
and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind
and what's before.

And there will come a time,
you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart,
but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see
what you find there,
with grace in your heart
and flowers in your hair.

For Emma

Narrator:

(So apropos:
Saw death on a sunny snow)


Him:

"For every life..."


Her:

"Forgo the parable."


Him:

"Seek the light."


Her:

"...My knees are cold."


(Running home, running home, running home, running home)


Her:

"Go find another lover;
To bring a... to string along.

With all your lies,
You're still very lovable."


Him:

"I toured the light; so many foreign roads for Emma, forever ago."

Things are looking UP, buttercup.

"Nothing is meant to last forever."

You're going to have to do better than that.

I had forgotten who I am. I lost my head.

No more. I am done with that.

The man, Dante.

See here's the thing,
I'm a fucked up slag, but who was the one
that started this ugly trend?
I know who I caught it from,
but what miserable bloke began it?
Whoever he is can go straight to hell on horseback
and pray to GOD he's not sent back.

That's sort of funny to think of someone
praying to god while descending into hell, isn't it?
But maybe hell isn't what we all think it is.
Maybe we're all fools in hell right now, praying to god.
Then, we'd all be contagious fucked up slags if we ever found out.

Maybe this world is slowly imploding,
and all of us are praying too loudly to allow our ears
to hear.
Maybe if we sat quietly for a moment,
we could recognize the lies in front of our faces;
the feeling that erases the credibility of any time spent with you.

It's not enough to drink gingerale
when sweet (pea) tea is just an arm's reach away.
Of course everyone chooses sweet tea on a hot summer's day!
Gingerale is only for mixing states of the mind;
midnight is when everyone calls upon gingerale for a good time.

If Dante allowed this ring of burning flesh
to melt from my skin and envelop the rest,
think of what else the man can do!

I guess I'm overreacting.
I know you're all rolling your eyes and laughing at me.

You're a godless monster.
I'm just a little girl;
and Mr. November lied.