Gag-a-fucking-maggot and choke me with a spoon until I keel over and die.

What was will never be again.

Written to a Friend,

I am writing you in a time of surrender. I go up and down and know I cannot operate this way. I cannot do anything on my own. Change must occur, and I feel the need to surrender myself to something greater, something much more knowledgeable and foreseeing than I. I do not know what the future holds, only what the past has brought me. I feel as though I am chasing the wind, running after a whirling picture of what used to be, what could have been. And this picture is fleeting. It does not stay, it does not last; it dissolves in my desperate, reaching hands. This is no way to lead a life: following a ghost into the darkness.

It is this darkness that I toy with. I slide my toes over the line, away from the sun and into the gray area. The darkness pulls at me, and I so often want to let it envelop me in its mighty grasp and have its way with me. But, there are moments when I can see the light so clearly. Moments of simple clarity reach me, and these are the only things holding me back from submersing myself into the mouth of the darkness. It is something beyond myself that reaches me, shakes me and allows me to see how everything is and was and is to be. And in these moments of peace, I am okay. I wish these moments could last forever, but they, too, vanish and, alas, I am back to walking the fine line between darkness and light. It is a cycle. I know something needs to break this cycle, and that something is more than likely myself.

So in this moment, I feel the need to surrender. To get down on my knees and shout and cry and wail that I am not okay and that I need more than myself. I need more than fleeting memories and wishful thinking. There must be a solid ground to stand upon, for if there isn't, the human race could not have lasted as long as it has. There MUST be something to sit down and rest your weary soul upon, something to catch you and let you rest and lift you back up. Hands were made to lift and grasp and pull and hold, and we all have hands, so why not use them to help others in this way.

I feel as though I am down. I am in a creek, face down amongst the trickling water and slippery black rocks. Soaking wet, this has to be it. There is no other place to go from here except up. Maybe instead of waiting for hands to lift me, I must push myself up. I am not sure which to believe. I pray this clarity lasts. I pray, whatever prayer is, that I will not find a deeper pit to throw myself into. I clench my heart and tear it out and lift it up and pray that it is able to be healed and once again beat in my heaving chest.

There's no sense in tears anymore. The past is the teasing wind, and the future is everything.

Keep in the sunlight.

I don't know how to stop myself.

A day to be forgotten.

What a strange realization. Two years could've been, but never ever really were. What a stupid female I've been. Sticking play dolls with needle pins.

It doesn't do to dwell on the past. That's why mums the word.

Today should be forgotten.

You know what it is that makes you feel his way. So grow up and learn to stop it. Take control, at least. You know what to do. Calm down. Just hide out in the background and eventually things will fall into place. They don't have to, but god I hope they do.

It was spot on.

I understand if I never see you again.

Maybe positive is just what I need.

Maybe it will balance out my natural gravitation towards the dark side.

Or maybe it (whatever it is) will self-implode.

Where is the line between grace and justice?

Between forgiveness and stupidity?

Between love and hate?

What a silly dream it was.

Act happy; it can't hurt.

Heart Skipped a Beat

The XX.

Display more control over your thoughts, emotions, and actions.
(for everyone's sake)

It isn't my place
to keep you in such a place
of disgust and disgrace.
Who am I?
I am nothing of it,
I am nothing at all.
And I will apologize until the day your savior calls,
and I disappear.

Take a deep breath;
your over reaction isn't flattering.
No one else notices, and it's time you don't either.

Sloppy.

Sometimes it's so tempting.
Calm down, no body likes a crazy, not even you.

I dreamed I was dancing.

Mosters vs. fools

I can't operate when there is hatred in my life.
Maybe that makes me a fool, but I'd rather forgive
than obsess over feelings only monsters cling to.
I'd much rather be a fool than a monster.
Fools may lift their feet, but monsters kill under their heavy stomps.

It's just like,


yeah that happened. But, so did so many other things!
And it's OKAY!!




Years from now it will matter in the way that it shaped me or you,
but it will not be the defining moment, because
we haven't LIVED yet!



Forgive.
Think big picture.
Seek peace within yourself, and all the things that don't make sense will somehow seem okay.

Ciara is not sleeping.




Whoever you are, tell me that you read this.