I told a friend the other night of what happened that morning.

I drove over with a sweater and movie in hand to drop off on your doorstep, because you wouldn't see me for three days. I wish I had just left, but I turned the doorknob and it was open. I walked into your room, which was the immediate door on the right. You were in the shower and so I sat down on your bed to read your phone. It was texts to her, the one I had always compared myself to, and you knew it. I realized quickly that you would be out soon, so I took your phone and read the rest in my car. You said you loved her. You said you missed her. You said you loved her curly hair and that your lip was swollen from the other night. I couldn't breathe.

The walk back into your place is blacked out, but I do remember throwing the phone at you. I do remember you thinking it was your roommate barging in, and quickly realizing it was me. The next thing I remember is you holding me against the wall and clamping my mouth shut. I dug my nails into your side. I can't remember how we made it into the bedroom, but I remember you holding me down on the bed and telling me to be quiet. I told you I couldn't breathe. I can imagine my eyes were insane. You told me to get the fuck out and I said give me my things. You said no, but I tried anyways. More grabbing, more scratching. You said multiple times that you would call the cops, so I left crying. Crying is an understatement.

I sat in the rocking chair on my porch, where my friend came to comfort me. He picked up my things from your house later that day. It didn't matter, but at the time I thought it did.

I loved you so much. I can't believe you let it go on for as long as you did. Me, a fucking dog on your tight leash, that you didn't even want anything to do with. Such a goddamn pathetic shame. You are why I have had to rebuild, and I hate you for it. I know I am to blame, as well, and I know I can emerge. It's a sad thing, I know-- I still can't breathe.

I wear your clothes to bed.
I think of you in daily activities.
Forgive me, come back to me.

There were awful times.

I snuck in. The lights were always off and I had to tip-toe. I suppose he blamed the squeaky door on stepping out for a cigarette. I don't know if he ever had to explain the toilet flushing twice. His short fingernails. I was always the one with an agenda. Wake up, wake up. He threw the bottle out of my hand, told me I shouldn't end up like him. He said leave and I did. Obey. Submit, without an invitation to do so. Shaking hands. Clenched jaw. Stiff lip. Soft touch. I said, I will get you medicine. I will get you help. 

One time I pressed my ear against the door. I knew better. Another day, I walked right in. That time was the fight. I couldn't breathe and my eyes were wide. I dug my nails into his side. I stood opposite him asking for the gifts I gave. "I hate you so much." The brink.

Breathlessness. 

Darkness and light.

Pain and redemption. 

No time to crank the sun
To dry our hair before we go
No time to lay around
We'll come back someday

No time to change our minds
The pricks are always on our heals
No time to fight about it
This time we can't be late

I was driving, taking chances
Walking way too far out on broken branches
Sometimes where you're going is hard to see

Always knew there was something missing
Said no one could ever get me to sit and listen
I was always trying to leave
Baby get away from me
Get away from me

No time to plant our feet
These things, they always come from nowhere
No time to lay around
We'll come back someday

Nothing will ever just come to you
It's only what you find around and what you do
If you don't hold it tight
It'll leave

I kept seeing you all around me
Couldn't just stand here and wait
until you found you
I hate to take you, to make you believe
Baby get away from me
Get away from me
Get away from me

Heartache
Heartache
Heartache
Heartache

Get away from me
Get away from me

If I wasn't so gone tonight
I'd try to explain
People just know what they want
It doesn't change

If I wasn't so gone completely
This would feel like pain

Some people just know what they want

I feel like crying.


I fucked up pretty badly, and I understand that now. What I'm finding is that I don't want to be alone. I do want you by my side and to share things with you. I want to work hard to make something work, not just give up, sull up. I've been a fool so many times before and I'm ready to stop that. I'm ready for what I was made for.