lightness

this is the weight i carry.

my hands are shaking,
and the nerves in my stomach are making my
eyes close.
they make my heart skip beats,
sometimes for several minutes at a time,
and in my throat, there is a constant knot
that makes it hard to tell you the truth.
even when i spoke to her,
and spilled my heart,
i could have been telling her the most honest truth
i've ever said aloud,
she still would have slept.
sometimes my forehead bleeds from how hard i rub it.

'death of the heart is the worst kind there is.'
my heart is becoming black,
filled with smoke and detaching itself
from the rest of me.
'come back and keep hope alive,
come and change everything.'

i don't feel you anymore;
nor him, nor her, nor anything.
except for a deep aching that originates in my bones
and works its way through
to show in my eyes,
but i never blink.
i need to be the feather in my hair,
and the balloon in the sky,
and the salt in the wind.
this is why,
i
can't
see
you
again
.