i find myself weeping over sandcastles.

i have spent many nights awake
analyzing each pigment of my skin.
scrutinizing the curves, and shapes, and circles it forms.
i guzzle chloroform.
and bathe myself in coconut oils.
but none of this will diminish my wrists.
yes, my wrists that are too big around,
that i wish were much more petite and fragile
and less pronounced.
and the skin on them to be smooth as the summer breeze,
but in my head at midnight i can realize what's been right in front of me this entire time.
i could never go to africa!
i don't know if the clouds there would billow as foreboding as the ones above your small 2-bedroom house on leopards street.
i can never help you pack up your things.
this is not a part of yourself you want to share with me.
i can never trust you completely.
i can never tell you everything i will never be.
darling, this is scaring me.
something frightening is happening to me.
chug your can, drown your sorrows.
i'll sew my lips and pray it will be better tomorrow.

oh, leonardo!

if it were up to me,
i would obliterate the sea
and every single wave that torments your soul,
dragging you through the undertow
until you think you are free.
No, this is not freedom.
Dance, leonardo. Dance like you are meant for.
Dance until your fingers bleed.
Dance freely, individually.
Dance with me.
THIS IS NOT YOUR HOME, BUT NEITHER IS THE SEA.
you belong in the color blue,
with your hair blowing in the wind,
let it envelop you.
only the good shade of blue,
like that of the sky,
of babies eyes,
nothing to do with the waves of the sea.
it is your love, and in it you can be free.

there is no battle, i'm not in the middle of anything.

I cannot stay in this room with you for the next thirty three hours
just so you'll have enough comfort to sleep easy.
You're a big boy, time to turn off the night light,
let go of my hand, LET GO OF MY HAND.
let go of my hand. let go of my hand.
you childish boy,
can't you see that it's time for you to leave?
I'm trying to be easy, i'm trying to start you on training wheels,
but sometimes you have to jump in the water
with no warning of how it feels.

'clean up this mess. fold this shirt!'
don't hang your head. don't close your eyes.
just come lay beside me. stay for me.
what a waste of an evening.
what a waste of seventy thousand thoughts,
and of four new wrinkles.
they could have been from smiling instead.

hey, look up boy.
the lamppost came on outside your window.
JUMP , LEONARDO, JUMP.
feel. breathe in. breathe out. embrace the summer sun.

an honor commending your efforts in the war.

this is not who i want to be.
i wish i was much stronger,
self dependent, independent from all things, including myself.
i wish i was much more diligent.
more understated.
more deliberately vague.
how do i not fit here?
why can i not be small enough to be the missing piece,
the one that completes the puzzle and
cracks the code?
why can i not be your skeleton key?

your blacker than black hair distracts brown eyes
from seeing what thoughts are truly thought underneath.
and your shifting eyes keep from lingering for too long
over anyone
or anything
escaping probing fingers, digging to find what's beneath.
WHAT IS YOUR HAPPINESS?
you like to run,
you like the sun,
you surround yourself with fun.
but i take things slow,
and i like the snow,
and i have less fun than i let show.
not really. this could all change if only
things would
f
a
l
l
into place.
come on, spaceman.
i'm keeping you too down to earth.
i understand now why you need a change of pace.
but you can't fly to space
just because you like the suits they wear
or because she's down here
and you'd be up there.
just because you're five thousand feet closer
doesn't mean the stars will aline.
everything looks perfect from far away so you may find
that the star you've chased after for so long
explodes in front of your eyes and everything you've ever hoped for dies.

grown men don't climb trees.

charles, if you don't love me, let me go.
set me free onto another sinking boat,
pray that i will find the shore,leave no note.
scuddle into the sunset
and forget all your regrets.
you're breaking every promise's heart you've ever met.
or write it in big red letters in the sky
that you no longer want to try
and hopefully i will see through the water in my eyes
the truth: are you sailing away to build power lines?
or mud pits or water slides?
will i be stuck here forever treading this inescapable tide?
charles, your name sounds like such a man's,
which is why i cannot figure out why your heart doesn't match your strong hands.

I can never be the person you were on October 3, 2003

i am going to drive myself crazy with how often i look at you.
i know.
no, i don't have high cheek bones
or a slouchy hunter greent jacket
that buttons in the front with a grey patterned shirt to wear underneath.
nor can i lay on a couch comfortably, at ease.
i cannot run as fast as you.
i cannot laugh like you do.
i do not know how to carry myself anymore because
i analyze every move i make according to you.
i often feel like throwing up,
because it makes me sick to know it will never be.
i will never have a brother,
i will never have a number of troubles,
i will never switch rooms,
nor have a mirror for a wall to do make up in front of.
i will only ever have the thoughts inside my head
that spin out of control but never to anyone else
other than the three me's inside.
i will never go to hawaii and not tend to my phone.
it's just not me.
and i'm going to drive myself crazy
until i have become what i want to be.
it's sickening.
don't take this or anything too seriously.