land, ho.

where are you?
and where did you go
for seventeen days, somewhere lost on the shore?

abandon ship
abandon ship

too many waves are crashing in on this ship.
so abandon it
and watch it sink.
quickly, think:
how many hours does it take for you to come and
rescue me?
SOS
these are signals of distress.
but with your hands full
and your eyes closed,
i can't imagine how you would think of this sinking boat.

seventeen years of water ahead,
with no sign of land, ho.
and it seems to me that i'm the only one
that is watching the sinking boat go slow.
but as the captain,
i am pledged to this ship.
you can scamper off and make a night of it.
if it pleases you
to do so, if it makes you happy to watch a life go slow.
tortured as though,
one can never lay ones head on another good night's pillow.

nothing but sea
ahead of me.
basically, i wish this would be the place you want to be.

'you were the one who suggested it.'

as i sat on the train
with my tea to keep me from being alone,
i listened to the boy who sat infront of me
talking of gizzards and bones.
and as i stared out the frozen window,
floating in his words,
i realized i didn't mind seeing
everything in reverse.

and you say
that one day i'll be okay.
but i don't want to die
on my own here tonight.

in slow motion,
could you see me fighting my mind,
trying to find another's
in a blank sea of eyes?
as i cried in front of you,
i couldn't believe you would agree
with this senseless request
and conform so easily.

'you did what you had to do.'
but the truth is i miss you.

don't move so slow.

sometimes i feel like
don't move so slow.
because each tantalizing moment claws
deeper and deeper into my soul,
like a baboon on a rampage,
scraping away all the flesh and humanity that remained.
slowness leaves scars
and makes my heart cry.

but if things adjust
and day becomes short and night becomes easy
maybe i will forget
the way things used to be.
but quickness is to void,
void is to lose,
and on my light feet
my heart will still cry for you.

the seventeenth.

do i regret it?
i'm not sure.
but i couldn't continue on feeling
so heavy, so obscure.
you'll get so many papercuts
if you close your eyes like that,
but maybe it'll pass the time quicker
and drag the cosmos even further out of line.
mahh--haa.
let me take your spirit
and bring it back to mine.
let me say i'm sorry one more time.

lightness

this is the weight i carry.

my hands are shaking,
and the nerves in my stomach are making my
eyes close.
they make my heart skip beats,
sometimes for several minutes at a time,
and in my throat, there is a constant knot
that makes it hard to tell you the truth.
even when i spoke to her,
and spilled my heart,
i could have been telling her the most honest truth
i've ever said aloud,
she still would have slept.
sometimes my forehead bleeds from how hard i rub it.

'death of the heart is the worst kind there is.'
my heart is becoming black,
filled with smoke and detaching itself
from the rest of me.
'come back and keep hope alive,
come and change everything.'

i don't feel you anymore;
nor him, nor her, nor anything.
except for a deep aching that originates in my bones
and works its way through
to show in my eyes,
but i never blink.
i need to be the feather in my hair,
and the balloon in the sky,
and the salt in the wind.
this is why,
i
can't
see
you
again
.

when you love someone but it goes to waste, could it be worse?

le poisson francais

i thought i saw a goldfish today
swimming in my 1.5 liter water bottle.
and when he turned and looked at me directly,
i know it was him that made me remember
'il l'aime'.
so i poured the water down the drain,
and filled it up with something new.

i don't know how i can talk to you
when all i want to do is
drive in my car with the music too loud
screaming at the top of my lungs

are you suffocating yet?

tonight i wore my favorite green jacket with
a grey shirt underneath.
but she has him, and he has her, and she always had him
so what was the point?


at 7:59 today
i realized i am meursault.
it's lose-lose, and i'm becoming to tired to put forth the energy to care.
but he put forth the effort,
on tuesday night, even if all he wanted to do
was sit and stare.
but it went further than that
and all i can do now is throw up,
or have the urge to.
what's the difference between tiny crushed up pieces of the sky
and your eyes?

this is when i have to tell you the truth. goodbye.

it takes a steady hand to keep it all together. but my hands are all over the place now, grasping for something to hold on to. and yours are slippery, though steady, oh my god. this is it. this is the infinite moment that has captured my soul. with my lips above water, unable to quench my thirst, would you come and kiss me? it's something that would not harm you, but could ultimately be detrimental to me. the sensation of skin, a touch that means a thing. restate it three times; i am not, haven't been, never was. but i'm in love with you. it's okay, it's okay, it's okay. i'll be okay someday. but today i can't. i have to tell you that i can't stay under your stare today. it'll be okay. you'll be alright. you already are. you seem to be doing just fine without me.

freedom.

what if i only existed here?

when you sit and stare, i guess i make a better window than a soul.

sometimes you look at me so deeply
that i can feel you penetrating my insides
and see them running through your mind
and infront of your eyelids
like you can lay them neatly out on a square shaped table
with all four legs intact.
but what if i close my eyes
and let this machine glide into the other lane
would i be even more open to the world?
would they, then, have you take out my insides
and lay them on a cold table
under the lights, for everyone to pick apart?
no, no don't stay
don't say you lost one of your buttons
and you need the start of a new day.
i know what it's like to get up early and stay out late,
waiting for the light of a brand new day.
my hands get cold, and my eyes get blue
but i have wool and glass to cover that too.
if you saw me crying on the side of the road, with a skinned knee
and heard her waiting for you,
you would leave me.
just like they always do.
just like they always do.
don't worry, i won't tell anyone that you glanced past me
i won't tell anyone that you couldn't see me.

wtf.

talking this much is exhausting.
it's hard to believe you when your teeth are rotting,
and i want to lay down so bad.
i've waited twenty five years
to kiss the softest lips ever;
waited in the shade of a sycamore tree
sketching your smile,
that haunts me in my dreams.
don't be so asleep when you walk.
have you ever shouted
hallelujah
from the rooftops?

sometimes the most unlikely things will prompt something worth hearing.

i threw out
your white tshirt with my leftover sun and yesterday's news
i sat on the bench with my cappachino and legs crossed
and spoke to the man who came to gather my bags
he wanted me to call him 'captain'
so i asked him if he'd ever been lost at sea
and he told me
of how he loved as much as a human heart can love
(which is as big as this entire world)
a girl who was nineteen.
with her long blonde hair,
she mesmerized his eyes like the clouds do the sea
and made him see her dreams
as big as this entire world.
one day she left his little eyes,
kicking sticks down the road,
leaving him to search on his tiny sailboat.
'clear your eyes,' he said to me
'they're cloudy.
come back, come back in from the sea'.

the rainbow trail/what it feels like to run and not look back.

she was collecting the pieces of the rainbow that fell

all the stars burned their eyes

but she was wearing a white dress and carried a woven basket

which she put each into, one by one

and when she walked into the forrest

all the birds sang to her, and the trees played for her

she found the lake she was looking for

and waded into the water,

all the while smiling

and balancing the basket ontop of her head

the fish kissed her feet

and she softly glided her fingers across the cold water

and one by one,

she took the pieces of the rainbow from her woven basket

and placed them in a row

into the cold water

when the last piece connected them all,

the colors revived the lake

and her long white dress was now the colors of the rainbow

and she danced

to the music that the birds sang

and to the music that the trees played

in the living lake, singing the colors of the rainbow for her

what did you say?

it can only be a moment
because i have to go
here and over therre
and you have to sit down
for a little while
don't look so surprised
i never thought you were truley blind
only wearing those tents to shield others from looking inside
let me see.
if only for this moment.

add tabs.

listen
you can hear the clouds passing

who was mozart and what did he play?
was it sounds of rivers
or sounds of love blossoming in a field?
when you see the moon
do you say hello?
to the man who is looking back at you?


and your skinny legs fit nicely
in the seat of that swing
but the rain makes you heavy
and your shirt will ruin if you stay too long.

hilltop views.

everyone was smiling
and saying pretty things
like rainbows and water and sunshine
but i spoke of dead trees

i'm sorry
i'm sorry to burden the mood
and your soul

but their smiles didn't break
and they could still sleep
well in there beds tonight
because they didn't comprehend 'deep'

but i still got out my map
from my two-sizes-too-big back pack
and looked for the way out

i climbed a hill
where i could see everything
i could see the church, and the lovers, and the people
but they couldn't see me

and i realized the truth
that it's all the same
but i got cold and looked to the sky
and couldn't recall my name

i ran down the hill as fast as i could
i couldn't stand the feeling of being isolate
so alone, so still
so inadequate

at the edge of the town
they locked the gates
i yelled 'please, please let me in'
my voice shook and my heart sank

but the houses stayed dark
and the steeple stayed white
the people stayed blank
what was happening tonight?

the gate stayed shut
and i looked to the hill
this is what you did to me
this is what happens for feeling real

the day i almost told you but couldn't.

i couldn't contain my tears
but you didn't see them
because of the smoke that filled the car
and my cries were drowned out by
the hearbeat of the bass
but as i drove away
i almost turned to you to say
i love you, love me one day.

louis doesn't matter anymore
he is long gone,
looking under rocks and climbing fences
searching for new glimpses
of the sun.

so
if you worry
about this or that
or him or her
don't.
if you hurry,
you will save me.

stardust to remember you by

yesterday i wrapped a blanket around me
because i was trying to freeze time
because i didn't want to lose you
and didn't want to lose everything.
i saw the future, and it held awkward lunches
with conversations of the past
and nothing else.
in my blanket
i cried
i did not want to lose you
but i knew there was nothing i could do.

tip top.

these water drops
came from the bottom of my toes
and out the top
of my head and fell to the ground.
i joined them
with my eyes still wide open
my mouth still shut
and the sun still shined bright.
don't you hear?
the sound of a cry?

Love,
Love the lovebird.
see Love sing for hours at a time.
let Love free
and see if Love will come back to me.

oh.

your eyes didn't flinch
as i inhaled and blew smoke in your face

i'll crack the window so the smoke can filter out

drawn over with a cape
this recluse is yet to be done
i did not have fun last night
when i sat with my knees up
and my head turned towards the door
i was wishing for the past
or possibly the future, whichever would make me alive again
don't go in circles
when you leave me, don't think twice
put your foot down and roll the window up

if i could live once
if i could live again
i would not love you
i would not love you again.


the tinsy whitebrick house
with the orange roof and stout chimney
had ducks following in a row
beneath the window
in the garden
and as they marched as one
the sun went down behind the mountains
and i stayed beneath the sycamore tree.

a morning so yellow that i could not see

they were singing outside
and i asked myself,

why are you singing?
why are you singing
at this hour?


my nice grey shirt
tumbled and turned
to get the wrinkles out
that was my task this morning
to get the wrinkles out

but they sang to me
and i did not listen.

across the pond

here i am
to pattle across the pond
slowly and steadily
in a tiny sailboat, with a rosary by my side
reaching the shore
i
kiss the earth beneath my feet
and kneel to the height of the little ones
with the smiling faces
and sparkling eyes
hopefully
to pass the love and faith of their bursting hearts
into mine

number one.

It was so good seeing you today
in your car as you drove past
and stuck your hand out the window
to wave and tap the ashes out
I watched the mirror afterwards
the streets became waves
rising towards the sky
and you sailed quickly away
but, sir, if I can have just a moment of your time
it would be most covetted
and least taken for granted
if i could only have a moment
i would tell you how last night i thought of you
when i slipped inside myself
and in my mind i turned a corner in the maze that i had never known before
where wet fingers traced outlines of skulls

the newest creation.

even the individualists
the dark circles
and the tight pants
are the same
some try to stray so far
from me, from you, from him and her
but we all strive for the same thing.
we all want to be pretty
whatever definition of "pretty" is
even the individualists
and we all want to be appealing
we all seek to appeal to others
a - peal
like a banana
or an orange
i feel orange all the time
it's possible that i should seek a doctor for
how often this occurs
i think i just need somebody.


oh no! i told you to watch out.
yes, you did
and you told me you loved me
which is truer?
the raindrops fell off the coconut shell
and seeped into the soil
down to the worms and all the roots beneathe
rooting us deeper and deeper
here.


i am no longer her.
you are no longer you.
but i suppose you've come together
to create something new
but don't take your new thing on the trip
only half can come
there is only room for half.
sorry, only room for half a king.

the rays of the sun never taught me to fly.

Eighteen days seem so long,
but i haven't had anything to say.
nothing much that was important or meant a thing anyway.
I measure a year not from january to december
but from august to may, with something inbetween
something wonderful and good, with beating drums.
I do not measure my life by events that take place in this room,
nor with coffee spoons
And your eyes go so deep.
Six inches in the back of my head
I see the merry-go-round.
All the pretty little horses and pretty little girls
spinning and twirling around you.
And while you smile, i think you mean it.

After these three days pass,
it will be over.
Here I go, climbing over grassy mountains
and into empty bottles, searching for a way to fly.


Louis held me once,
and drew me a map to the sea.
He packed our bags and took my hand
and told me everything would be alright.


We marched over cobblestone roads
and all the while i thought how much better it would
be if i grew wings. But louis told me
that it cost to fly, with limits and exceptions,
and had all these rules to live by.


While on our way to the sea,
Louis dangled his feet and watched the sun set.
He was collecting the rays of the sun
for his own glory
for his own light
And I wanted to die.

we do what we can

people ask themselves
questions like
where do we go from here?
forward, only.
for, you cannot go back in time
nor recreate the past
you only have the future in front of you
even the present is becoming the past
this very moment
the future will soon be the past and thenn all we'll have
is the past
but some people say
we shouldn't live in the past
how do we live in the future?
it is unseen, unknown and so no.



i wanted to thrive in that moment
when i spoke to you
today on the bus, on the way to town
i wanted to speak the words i thought
and let musical notes flow from my heart
and convey how i feel
how i feel for you
how i'm still in love with you
i wanted to be all i could be
in that moment
i wanted to conquer all
and come out shining and smiling
and be happy like the past
but you can't recreate the past
so leave it there
and you can't live in the future
so let it be.
you misunderstood what i was trying to say
that wasn't what i meant at all.

illuminated no's.

After a while of trying to form the right words,
and figure out what i really think,
and how to get my point across clearly,
i've finally got it



death has become unreal to me.

30 days isn't long enough

I can't see
and my fingers smell of sin
but not to me.
How was it for you?
Did you think of me, at any point,
did you remember me?
When you pressed your lips against her's
did you remember mine?
When your hands fell across her back
did you remember the curve of mine?
I guess not,
chelsea seems to think not
but chelsea doesn't know much
so answer me.

Were her eyes blue or red?
Were they brown like mine?
Sitting on the couch,
ignoring the scenes that flashed across the tv,
trying not to get caught,
going,
it's the same
it's all the same.
It seems like so long ago
when i sat on your floor
listening to hopeful songs
and played with your hair.
Does she take the time or care
to lace her fingers in and out of your hair
Do her fingers smell like mine?
You never liked it,
the smell of my sins.


Eight to one
shows how deep the love was.
Eight seasons of treatorous seas
on a little sail boat
against the crashing waves
silently passing the days
with hopes of the sun.
And finally reaching the shore,
after a season of clear skies
you decide to go.
"I'm tired of this sail boat"
and all the storms sailed through
didn't matter at the bottom of the sea.

she wept with her face in her hands and her heart in the ground

love is a strange thing
i saw a sign today that said
"love never ends"
this is simply not true
jimmy loved robyn, and robyn thought she did
but she doesn't anymore,
if she ever did,
so neither does he
their love ended

he loved me
he doesn't anymore
i still love you, though


is it possible to talk with someone
and have the best conversation you've ever spoken
and not feel a thing for them?
i don't think so
you can tell yourself you want nothing more
but you are fooling yourself
and your life
and making it a mockery

how can the sun shine
and the sky be blue
and the birds sing
and i still cry for you

the heart doesn't stop missing
and it never forgets
the good, the bad
it never forgets
though, the good times do shine through.
this is how it is supposed to be
this is how we know
that life is worth it


she sat on the bench
on the royal red suade
and cried
for him, for her, for time
for one more night
her hands gripped the tissue at her heart
her sobs rang in every corner of the room
the love of her life
lay still tonight
and as she sat on the royal red bench
i looked straight on
and had to tell myself
that none of this was real.
her cries, this room
became numb to me
and i did not share in her tears
for fear of breaking down
jimmy broke down
he broke down and cried

they had to hold her up next to him
and she kissed his hands,
crossed delicately on his chest
while she cried
and cried
come back to me
this can't be the end
this short road can't end like this

friday night she lay in bed
with him next to her
goodnight, my dear
i love you.
i love you, too.
and in the night
he quietly slipped out
without waking her
without worrying her
he quietly slipped out
and left so soon
and saturday morning
she awoke
and cried

i like giants

how big is a giant's heart?
it must be bigger, to fit his size
for if it were the size of a mere human's
he would die
giants aren't so bad
no fe-fy-fo-fum i've heard
instead soft breaths breathed in,
no, he didn't say a word

no, giants aren't so bad
with their heads in the clouds

i'd like to spend a day laying in the clouds
weaving my fingers in and out
but what would i look at?
what would i make shapes about?
i could walk along side the giants
and count the hairs of his beard
seperating each, one by one
until the last one appeared

twelve thousand six hundred eigthy two
twelve thousand six hundred eighty three

Ah, look at all the lonely people

today marks a week
the loneliest of the year
so far
i don't know how long it's been since i've cried so hard
so many rules
to follow in this game
and i only know a few, so sorry if i make a mistake
like this one
but it could be alright in the end
you don't know if
everything will be alright

i can't wait to wear the shorts again
and lay in the sun
to close my eyes and see beautiful memories
of dancing in the sun
and last night was alright
because amy gave me a flower
and the guy was nice to me, which i had not expected
and the people around were not like me
only a cigarette could have made it better
but cigarettes are bad for you,
so they say
but it was alright
it made things okay for the night

i want you to know that i'm still crazy about you
i still want to lay in your arms
i still want to look in your eyes
i'm still in love with you
i'm still in love with you
i still think about you all the time
i still say your name at night
i'm still in love with you

i just needed some things to change
sorry if i made that unclear
is it too late?
do you think it's too late
to save anything?
the damage may be done
and the wounds dug deep
so i will do nothing but sit and watch
watch how this unfolds.

twenty-eight and bored

some things in life are just hard.
and this may not be one of them,
but it sure does feel like it.

le premier fois

One:
little girl
fooled by the pretty lovebird
by all its bright feathers
and melodious voice
but she did not see its sharpened nails
nor the fleeting habit
that made her heart sad
each time she watched it fly

one or two
kisses from you
kisses to her
c'est le premier fois
i have the cage
the golden metal bars are cold
and the handle is breaking
but sing us a whimsical lullaby
and all of it will simply float away

two:
how long she waited in days
for the lovebird to fly home
and return again
and when she heard its song
the one memorized because of its familiarity
her heart jumped
and her eyes watered
with her arms outstretched, she waited
to welcome home the tired one
to gaze upon its bright feathers
to hear the familiar song
and she smiled
mais non, this routine was new

c'est le premier fois
c'est le premier fois

never never

the roof is calling our names
displaying a nice sitting place
and as we climb out the window to see the sun
a smile can't escape from our face
the next day is occupied
with marathons and tubs of butter batter
and watching the world run past our feet
knowing that at this moment nothing but this matters
see where the wind and the sea blow your sail
because we won't be seventeen forever
and right here right now
we can get away with anything and never never
forget a single day.

cartainly not there

she shuts the car door behind her
closing out the heat and regret
and she doesn't look back
and she was unsure of coming tonight
but is sure in this
that she must get out
that she must get away
and of this she is sure

and the windshield wipers mimic her mind
the rain makes it hard to see
but the lights from the cars are bright
and she just wants to be home
wherever that is
certainly not where she came from
certainly not there
he used her again

the words that needed to be said
were smothered by their tongues and cigarettes
before and after
it was the same as last time
the sheets still black
the couch still soft
and his hands still roamed

but as she drives
she tries to forget but can't stop thinking of the night
and how she wanted it
and how he wanted it
and how sick she feels now

but this is no different
it has happened before, and will happen again
this is no different.

it's all wrong

sometimes i feel like everything is wrong.
and i want to tell you
i want to tell you how i feel like this is fake
and how i think about it a lot
and what went wrong last night
and how i wish that i could've called you.
i wish you would have been alright with me calling you

but the game was on
and your friends were there
and you wouldn't have approved.
which i get,
but it is me.
it is a part of who i am
for better and all the worse
i need you to respond to it.


i think about it a lot.
like tonight
i almost called to say, hey
this isn't what it was
i'm sorry
and goodbye.
but i stopped myself
for many reasons, which will go unspoken
but not under the radar
for i still see them.
they still radiate
and i still called him.

he was there.
he made me feel okay
and he was my comfort.
and he saved me from you, by being who he is
and i think this is over.

how long should i keep up the charade?
is it all going to be worth it in the end;
is anything worth it in the end?

"I don't care."

you've said it on more occasions than one
how you just don't care
and how you like it
and then you say no more.
no opinion to share
no scolding
no protecting advise for my well being
no wisdom.
no wisdom comes from your eyes
only visions of objects
to play with
and nothing more.
once they are put aside, your thoughts are elsewhere
of other things
because you "don't care".


this is when i feel that everything is all wrong.
nothing is in it's right place.
where did all of it come from?
and just like that
life is all wrong.

something very old

this is something very old; i think i like it.

The sun beat hot that day
Too hot for me
But it was bearable enough for you to get through
And for me, I sat underneath the shade of that old oak tree
Where we laid for hours
And spoke of nothing at all
And stared a whole in the sky
Making shapes of the clouds.

And she said we wouldn’t last
And you said you never believed her
But now that I am sitting here starring up with no one beside me
I think you lied

This morning I pulled the curtains shut
And today I cut my hair
I might dye it too, a sign of something new
But I promise you, I am not trying to nor have anything to declare
Because that ship has long sailed on
Billowing away as I sat down to cry
On the shore, by the sea
Watching it go with all my pride
Smile
Smile and say you are fine
Hold your breath and tell a lie

A lovely bird flew by me the other day
But before it passed it stopped to say
That I was wasting time sitting at my window day and night
Waiting for a shooting star
Waiting for the man on the moon
That he wasn’t coming soon
And that I was wasting my time
And as I started to cry
The lovely bird told me not to
Because the day was as pretty as me
And neither should be spent inside
This little box, separated from each other by glass
But rather doing better things
Than sitting and waiting for a wish to come true



except for maybe the end. i think the end might need some work.

Rainbow trail

I think that I am going to be one of those people who looks back on highschool and knows that all i did was complain and do the bare minimum just to get by, and be alright with it. I believe when I am older and out of school, I will look back on these times and laugh because I won't know how in the world I did it. But, I'm okay with that. I want to be that person. I want to have fun. I want to have a crazy group of friends like that. I want to party on the weekends, and go crazy at prom, and be open with my friends and not have any secrets and have insane stories to tell. Too bad my "best friend" is her bf now, and the rest are not like that. Oh well, I guess.

i love the valley.

Having...
6 major things due this week
to show up in a party bus
to work on my birthday
sucks.

but it's okay
because lost comes on in 3 days
and
i have tickets to the stars show.

Heath

1979-2008

I find this story deeply tragic. The same as most others find it, but it just baffles me that this happened. I don't deal with death well. I've been around it too much and I just don't quite comprehend why things like it happen. I hope his daughter knows he loved her. I hope his family has comfort through this terrible time. I hope he was happy. I hope he is happy now, and without pain. I hope that love conquers all, even after we are all gone. Where do we go when we die? RIP.

they all knew.

I am sitting in psychology, the most pointless class of my life. I think all of this "knowledge" we learn in here is dumb, becuase none of it is "proven".

And, lately, I've been thinking
A lot about the past,
A lot about the future.
I'm unsure of a lot of things, and sometimes I'm so sure that I should do something, and make that big change, right then and there. But, I don't; and I wait; and I back down. This is the cycle.

park that car
drop that phone
sleep on the floor
dream about me

That is what I want; a water kiss, someone to sleep on the floor next to me, surprisingly. Not the fact that I want that, but to surprise me. and then, shortly before he goes, a simple note.

She lay there, fast asleep
The light coming up, barely seen
And the door was shut
But that didn't mean much
Because he was sure they knew
And the white sheet that covered everything but her back
Masked the pleasure and the regretting fact
That this had happened again, to make it the fourth
That nothing good came out of these doors
And that they all knew